Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
