is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
