Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
