He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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