I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
