Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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