Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
