First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
