Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
