Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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