I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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