What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bet he comes in French.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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