i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
