oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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