Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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