The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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