Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
