and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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