Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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