Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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