Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
