Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
