I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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