you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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