he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
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And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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