You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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