i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
