help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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