Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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