what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
