so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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