You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
