I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
