ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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