Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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