I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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