My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
