im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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