before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
