I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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