I hate all girls vehemently.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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