ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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