You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
