I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
