whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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