Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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