seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
