U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Plan B is the new Plan A
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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