i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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