I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
