A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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