I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
