wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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