Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Randomize
