Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
