I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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