as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
