the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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