I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
