forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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