we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
