I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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