guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
