she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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