Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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